10 Things I Hate About You…r Email

I hate email.

  1. Re: RE: Fwd: FW: FW: LOL. If you couldn’t even bother to remove some of the myriad prefixes, I probably don’t need to see your hilarious sexist joke that was dug up from the bowels of 1996.
  2. While we’re on it, your subject lines. I don’t know what “meeting notes” refers to, nor “we talked about this yesterday.” On the other hand, “document I was speaking to a person about which refers to the important decision we need to make (perhaps this should be sent to Bob instead?)” is just about as worthless, and has the added benefit of making me have a small seizure. Learn to think.
  3. Reply all.
  4. You don’t need to be writing me at 8 p.m. if it wasn’t important enough for you to pick up the phone and call me. It can wait.
  5. It’s 2012, and you’re writing me an email? It’s not that you’re not special, but you’re not special. I’m sorry that I forgot your message — It’s just that you chose the one communication method out of twenty available to you that has the highest number of competing messages about discount car washes, music purchases, bill reminders, outrageous political threats, and young females taking prescription drugs and performing equine acts that are illegal in the lower 48 (their status in Wasilla is up for debate). You just performed the Internet equivalent of sticking a takeout menu on my front door.
  6. Your infuriating ten-line sparkling rainbow-colored Comic Sans MS legalese-infused signature. Do I need to know your job title, phone number, and favorite Muppet every time you write me? Why the hell are you telling me that I should delete this email and forget it if you shouldn’t have sent it to me? For that matter, why are you telling me your email address again?
  7. A link. As the entire message.
  8. “You’re welcome.” When all I said was “Thanks.”
  9. Attachments. It’s 2012, and you’re not using Google Docs, YouTube, Dropbox, or an image host? Please stay off the Internet until you’ve learned to pedal without training wheels.
  10. Your words in general. They’re so uncommunicative, illogical, unintelligible, painful. I think computer keys should be as physically painful to you as your pathetic creeping attempts at human discourse are to me. Sorry, I know it’s not true for everyone, but it’s the case many people. (If you find yourself disagreeing, give yourself a nice pat on the back, because you’re one of those many people. Now turn off the computer before you hurt yourself. Blues Clues will be on soon. Hey look, a shiny penny! For you!) Look, it’s not that you’re illiterate, it’s just that it looks like you banged your face against your keyboard to the beat of “Yankee Doodle” to create your prose. Or maybe you fell asleep and your cat opened Outlook and walked across your keyboard. I don’t know. But honestly, I’ve seen better writing come from a cell phone in someone’s back pocket. I no you can’t bare to here it, butt you’re righting sucks.
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